Many Americans are familiar with the Presidential State of the Union (SOTU) address that happens each year. During the SOTU the President provides Congress with a report on how America is doing economically, the previous year’s achievements, and the national priorities over the coming year. It is a time for Congress to make recommendations for the country’s priorities.
Similarly, publicly owned companies provide annual reports to inform shareholders of the financial and operational health of the company and projections for the upcoming year. While the annual report allows investors to understand the health of their investment, it also serves as an opportunity to inform customers of the company’s core values and mission, and to establish company goals and promote employee morale.
Your relationship is neither a government nor a company, but it is a living, breathing entity with a purpose and a future.
It’s normal for couples to have things they want to achieve together. For example, you and your partner might have a budget to stick to, a goal to buy a house in the next year, or a vacation you really want to go on in the summer. Maybe you are planning to have a child. Unfortunately, for many couples, relationship goals can get sidetracked as each partner focuses on their own personal and professional goals.
And this can cause real problems for the relationship.
Individual dreams and goals are important, but when partners direct their focus primarily to their individual needs and away from the relationship needs, relational goals and dreams may fail to get met. And this can lead each partner to feel like they are on their own separate path or living different lives. Ultimately, neglecting the needs of the relationship leads to the dissolution of the relationship.
A “Relationship State of the Union (RSOTU)” is an easy way for couples to check in with one another on the health of the relationship and set goals for each partner to ensure the relationship stays on track. It’s also an opportunity to review and celebrate accomplishments and establish new goals or priorities for the relationship.
Here’s how you do it:
1. Carve out some time
Schedule about an hour of time when you and your partner will be relaxed and able to focus attention on thinking about the relationship and talking to one another. Treat this like a doctor’s appointment and put it on your schedule so you don’t forget. Make sure you are in a private and quiet area and have access to a pen and paper or your computer.
2. Identify key relationship areas
You and your partner will decide on shared areas that are important to your relationship and that you want to check-in on. These areas might include:
- Financial
- Home
- Children
- Intimacy
- Professional
- Social
- Physical Health
- Quality time
- Family/In-laws
- Communication
- Pets
- School
3. Grade each relationship area
Now it’s time to think about how things have been going. Each of you will assign a grade (think high school!) to each area of the relationship. (If you have time to do this before the day of the RSOTU even better!) Make sure to provide comments along with the grade to explain why you feel the way you do and make a suggestion for how you both can improve.
For example, let’s say you feel that quality time together has really been lacking the last few months. Maybe you give that area a “D”, and your comment might be, “We were both really busy with work the last few months and I felt a bit disconnected from you. I miss having time to watch movies together or going for a walk together on the beach in the morning. Even though we’re still busy, I think we could improve this area by fitting in at least 1 evening a week to watch a Netflix show together. That would be good enough for me. What do you think?”
Alternatively, maybe you guys have been nailing your budget the past 2 months and you grade that area an “A”. This is a good time to talk about what you did right and what you want to keep on doing.
Each partner should assign their own grade. This is important because you’ll find out very quickly which domains are really important to your partner! Also, it gives you each an opportunity to identify possible solutions that you can discuss and agree on.
4. Maintain a record of your RSOTU
Write everything down. It’s important to keep a record of your RSOTU to remind you of your shared goals and accomplishments. Consider using an Excel spreadsheet or a journal to keep track.
5. Schedule your next one
RSOTUs can happen as frequently as you think you and your partner need. If your relationship is really off track you may want to consider scheduling one monthly until you’re both back on the same path. At a minimum, I recommend scheduling the RSOTU no less than twice a year.
Some things to keep in mind: The 3 Rs
When doing this exercise it is important to be:
- Realistic – Understand that no matter how many beautiful solutions you and your partner might have for improving a certain area, circumstances might not change. You might not be able to cut down on your hours at work next month. You may have planned for buying a car but reduced work hours might limit your ability. That’s okay! The most important thing about this exercise is that it brings the 2 of you together around your shared priorities and makes both of you mindful of what is important and acknowledge it. Often, this is enough to improve how you feel about things without changing anything at all!
- Reasonable – You don’t need to do a lot. Sometimes just a little goes a long way. If spending quality time together is important, but the kids have school programs over the next several weeks, and your boss is expecting you to work overtime, maybe a simple text in the middle of the day to tell your partner you are thinking about them and can’t wait for an open weekend to spend together in a few weeks or a few minutes of eye contact and cuddling in bed before you pass out is all your partner needs to feel fulfilled.
- Reminded – Positive memories provide an emotional catalyst for action. When we recollect pleasurable and meaningful moments from the past we bring those thoughts and feelings into the present. Reminding our partner of times when things were good will give both of you solutions for how to make things better and will generate hope, particularly during rocky times.
Final thoughts: For families
SOTUs can be great for families or to practice with teens and young adults. Through this exercise children learn the importance of identifying values, setting goals, and develop relationship and communication skills. When scheduled throughout the year, children develop a habit of thinking about and planning their actions with respect to others in their life, thereby cultivating empathy and compassion for others and developing skills that will help them in the future.
As always, if you get stuck I’m here to help!